BACK TO THE CLASSICS: An expose on how the best Nollywood & Hollywood classics robbed me of the sense I thought I had.
Movies are powerful, people. So powerful that I feel some of us often underestimate how strong a movie can influence us, especially when you are a young spirited cool nerd, and trust me, folks, there’s nothing quite as powerful as the classics.
Nollywood and Hollywood really did a number on me with some of their best movies and I’ll tell you why.
But first, let’s take a moment to just appreciate the gift of creativity and motion picture. Now that I think about, my early encounter with these movies are probably what influenced me to be a writer and filmmaker.
Without further ado, let’s cruise down the memory lane of hilarious embarrassing childhood stories.
Disclaimer: Please, if you’re crushing on me, don’t stop because of this. I promise you, I now have sense. I’m begging.
First up is
Someone just laugh along with me, cause this one was epic. It took just watching the 1990 Christmas movie series once to convince me that I was just as badass as Kevin and I was going to have a lot of fun adventures if I spent the holiday alone.
What did I do? I bribed my elder siblings to convince our folks to take a trip to go visit our relatives. Yes, folks, the parents often always listen to ‘responsible’ suggestions from the older kids and if you, like me, knew where all their dirty little teenage secrets were buried, forget it, you’ve got the power.
That’s how they said they were going to visit some relatives one Saturday morning and I was ecstatic. I had to quickly make up something about my best friend who lived a few blocks down the street in our Estate being sick and his Mom was going to the market and I promised I would look after him as his senior brother was in boarding school then. See me forming responsible child.
Forgive me Ikhomi Oritseweyinmi.
There I stood as my mom, dad, brother, and sister got into the car and drove off, leaving the entire house to me. Just me! Hey God, what did I not do? I ate everything in the house.
I scattered that house. I set rat traps and a couple of other dangerous traps all over the house, ran out through the back door, and went to go insult one Uncle that didn’t live far from us.
Guys, this was me casting the villains in my Home Alone movie. He was alone and not with his friend, unfortunately, and since he was chubby, I got my Marv but no Harry.
This man chased me back to the house. I ran in through the open back door and quickly ran into the store and locked the door. With the kitchen door ajar, he assumed I ran into the living room and was ready to report me to my parents but lo and behold, no parents. Just soapy water and chuku chuku carefully plucked from a Cactus tree in the neighborhood scattered on the floor.
Don’t forget the rat traps too! I was finally Kevin and this movie was insane! Before I knew it, my Dad’s car pulled into the driveway and it didn’t take long to realize that the relatives they went to see lived in Yaba and not another country as I had thought.
See ehn, I just remained in that store no matter how loud and angry my parents yelled at me to come out until they broke the door down.
What did I say? I was possessed. It’s Ojuju that made me do it. Undertaker. I still have the marks from the beating I got all those years ago as a reminder to never ever try to recreate a Home Alone movie.
The love I have for this movie knows no bounds. Plus as fate would have it I watched the movie when I had been nurturing a healthy need to have a pet.
I wanted a dog but when I saw Monkey Trouble, I wanted a monkey and I was going to name him Dodger too. So, as it turns out, monkeys don’t go fleeing from their thief owners and stumbling into your life as it was shown in the movie.
Never mind that I waited three weeks for this to happen. For a child, that’s an eternity. I wanted a pet, I was going to name it Dodger and we were going to have a lot of fun and adventures just as I’d seen in the movie, especially that car chase scene. No now, on God, I had to recreate that. So I couldn’t get monkeys but you know what was very accessible in the neighborhood?
Rats! Asin winn. I paid a guy in the hood who was famous for being a fearless miscreant to help me get a rat and put in a cage. Five days later, he delivered.
See me majestically bringing an over-sized stinking rat into my Father’s house. Now that I think about it, that rat was too big.
Somebody must have insulted that old mama that roasts corn, Iya Asake, and well, the rest was history. It was a scream fest when my folks saw the rat.
Rat that was jejely inside it’s cage, they were jumping up and down, climbing chairs and shelves. Can you imagine? Such pussies.
Anyway, in the heat of the argument, I don’t know who sent my brother to be watching Jackie Chan. That was how he kicked the cage out of my hand and poor Dodger ran out, probably terrified from all the screaming. Once he was set loose, the sense I had lost thanks to Monkey Trouble finally returned and I ran and hid inside a drum filled with water.
Dodger shared our house with us for three days and three nights spent in abject terror until the power of Indoseed and sardine finally caught up with him. As for me, my own punishment was more severe. No movies and cartoons for a whole month!
NOTE TO SELF: Never ever ever try to pass yourself off as Liz Benson’s scary ghost in…..
It will end in tears. You know the drill folks. I watched Diamond Ring, I was terrified and intrigued by it. I was constantly teased by my brother and sister who pretended to be the ghost of Liz Benson on several occasions.
What did I do as payback? I went and wore my Dad’s oversized white Jalabbiyah, decorated my face with powder and charcoal, and shined my eyes like a truck’s headlights in the middle of the night.
I snuck into my sister’s room and hid under the bed, after carefully arranging my pillows on my bed in my own room and covering them with a blanket to make it look like I was asleep.
I don’t know what that yeye girl was watching in the parlor that she refused to come into her room for more than an hour. It was probably Miss Parkers, The Cosby Show, or her personal favorite, Taina *inserts hiss*.
I fell asleep under the bed and lost track of time. I had been thinking all day about how frightened she would look and how epic my prank would be that I was probably dreaming about it. Suddenly I started to feel something touch me, crawl and slither on me- in the dream and in real life!
I opened my eyes to see two cockroaches doing awilologonba on my face. It was that night that I knew I had sonic screaming superpowers because I swear to God I woke up the entire Zone A of Faan Staff Quarters Ikeja. Me that want to do ghost to scare somebody, na me kon dey fear (now I’m the scared one) . The medicine my village people were using against me was strong.
When I watched…
THE SOUND OF MUSIC
I borrowed money from my lesson fees I was given to pay at school to buy flute, harmonica, and a mini-sized Guitar because I thought I was a musical prodigy.
When I watched…
I went to shoot action film inside Mr. Inyang’s laboratory in school. I broke bottles and spilled chemicals, damaged his microscope, and got the door jammed with my karate moves. The punishment for that one, I get shivers when I remember the original koboko (horsewhip) that they whipped my ass with.
I was every bit a…
…and my lesson teachers suffered for it. There was one who was always smacking me in the head because of ordinary proper and improper fractions. I showed him!
I put dry pepper, a whole jar inside his juice and told him it was strawberry flavor. You’re beating me up and down and you still want to drink juice from in my father’s house? Ko possible.
The week I watched
LEAN ON ME,
that American “spraa spriii sprooo” that the teacher was speaking when she confronted Mr. Clark in the hallway, guys I gave it to my Uncle hot hot.
He’s not really my Uncle, he was just one of those pesky annoying friends your father had who only always came to eat our food. I don’t know if that man put alarm in our pot o. It’s always anytime food is ready that he will come.
Long throat! I said that too in my litany of insults.
had me and my merry band of friends trying to get into my Dad’s locked car like Isabella desperately tried to do in that scene where she was being pursued by her killer.
To make our movie dope, I stole my Dad’s car keys and dropped it on the ground in my haste to escape my killer just like it happened in the movie.
Na so the key take enter gutter on a rainy day and the flood swept the key far far away. I packed my bags and belongings that day, ready to flee from my Father’s house because I knew I was dead. Dead, people. Dead!
Although there are honorable mentions like
TITANIC, SPEED, ROMEO & JULIET, RATTLESNAKE, ISAKABA,
I will not be sharing what I had done in the throes of those amazing movies. I did however tell Benjamin that I saw Dunni playing with one guy on the playground thanks to…
MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING.
Ben was one of my besties and Dunni was his Julia Roberts. Childhood romance, so innocent. It turned out that the boy in the playground was Dunni’s cousin and that was how they almost broke up because of me oh. Also, Benjamin didn’t invite me to his birthday party as payback and invited everyone we knew to watch Power Rangers Wild Force at his house except me.
I felt betrayed.
Lastly and my personal favorite…,
Matilda had me wishing I had a wicked headmistress like Madam Truchbull and the magic to punish her with. I had neither but in the eyes of a spirited six-year-old boy, your headmistress is in fact a demon.
Thanks to my eidetic memory, I spewed out my favorite line from the movie when she confronted me on the assembly ground for being late and it goes, “who does this disgusting ribbon belong to? I shall personally see to it that the demented drooling slimy little lilliputian who owns this disgusting ribbon will never see the light of day again. You!”
Apparently she didn’t speak Matilda and she did have a ribbon on her head to hold back her shuku.
She said I insulted her and suspended me from school. Me that was just practicing lines with her. Some people in this life don’t know how to act.
That’s all folks. I hope you enjoyed my very embarrassing walk down memory lane. Share your favorite movies with me and what they made you do.
P.S: I am now a completely normal and sane individual. Old things are passed away.
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