My Mum My Muse – Part 4 (Spy Mission)
Now let’s delve into today’s episode.
This week has been so awful because I am stuck here with my mother after her terrible experience of being a superhero, she has decided to go on leave from her shop in other for her to recuperate very well but I am so tired, staying with this woman is a full-time job. I wonder how my father survived over the years.
My life has not been easy this few weeks but my father seem to be having fun, he stays long on phone calls, comes back late and uses perfume when he is heading out, something he never used to do.
One Saturday morning, my mom called me and said “Ife am I not beautiful again? Don’t I look sexy?”
I coughed wondering where all these questions were coming from and I dare not say yes because that will be my death call, so I replied and said “mum you are very pretty and you slay with your age.”
She flared up and said “what is the meaning of that? Are you trying to say I am old”
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I interrupted and said “no, old ke, old age is in the mind”
then she smiled and said “beeni, but why is your father cheating on me, he is cheating and I can feel it in my large intestine”
I was shocked” Haba Maami you are jumping into conclusion” before I will say the next word
She flared up “let me jump, in fact, I want to swim into conclusion, that is why you have no boyfriend, you have eyes but you can’t see. Do you have a boyfriend?”
I replied no ma, she placed her hands on her head “hope you are not a lesbian too, I quickly replied no, then she said good because I will not only pray but squeeze out that evil spirit out of you and if you refuse, I will use turning stick, big one and shook it inside that place, in fact by the end of next week I want you to come and introduce your boyfriend to me”.
I was so weak, then I said to myself even if I have a boyfriend she is the last person that will know him, then if she sees me with a boy, she will embarrass me and my destiny and now she is asking me to bring a man as my boyfriend by next week, I am just tired”
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Then she tapped me and said “have you been listening to what I have been saying, your father is cheating on me so we are going to catch him in the act, I asked”
Then she smirked and answered, “we are going on a spy mission, target; papa ife”.
The following day, my father left the house looking all fine.
Then my mom emerged from the room dressed in all black, including a black cap, except for her sneakers and her sneakers.
I said to myself shit just gat real.
Then she said “Ife you can’t go on this mission looking like this, can’t you see the way I am dressed or have you not seen any spy movie, we need to follow your father to know who he is cheating on me with and if I catch her ehen, tori Olorun! I will squeeze her, pound her and scatter her, next time when she sees another person husband coming from the right she will run to the left, emi! mama Ife and as for your father, I will teach him a very big lesson, I will use his rod like rolling pin”
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“How do you know he is even going to see a woman?”
“Are you sure you are my daughter? Can’t you see how fine he is looking, smelling like fresh agege bread? he is going to see her so quickly go and dress up”
I wanted to scream “hell no” but at the same time I was really curious to see how this will end, so I went to dress up.
I booked an Uber and tracked his phone. The most annoying part of it is that My mum didn’t come out with cash. She expected me to pay the cab fee which I did
Dad was at the tropicals at lekki,
We sighted him immediately we entered the venue. He turned to look in our direction and I was quick to turn away, so he didn’t see me while my mum raised a newspaper to her face pretending to be reading. Funny thing is, the newspaper was turned upside down. I brought her attention to it and she quickly turned the paper.
It was so obvious we were up to something because we were acting and looking so weird.
My mum even had the guts to order shawarma and fruit juice right after we sat down and then asked me to pay for it. Like WTF!
I sha paid to avoid us both washing plates
We tried to see the lady he was with but we could not get a good view, we stretched and stretched but we did not see anything
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They stood up and started heading to the door, my mum quickly took her shawarma and jumped under the table making serious noise while I turned my face, it was super embarrassing because her body was far bigger than the table.
As soon as he exited the restaurant, Mum came up and whispered “the coast is clear, tiger the lion is out! I repeat the lion is out!”
I was confused, then I asked why she was whispering when I was just sitting right in front of her. Besides, what has this got to do with tiger and lion?
Then she replied “that’s how spies act, you’re tiger and I am cheetah, you must not tell your real identity”
I wanted to faint.
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“Let’s move, tiger! Move it” she said
Just as we stepped out, we saw them hugging and laughing, immediately my mother shouted “Aye mi o!”
“Maami what is it? Do you know her?”
“Ha! Lobaton! ” She placed her hands on her head, “that is the woman that sent her army to beat me”
I was shocked, so how do you want to squeeze and pound her now? “Kini? Pound who? Please I am just recovering from one, I am not ready to meet my father, mission closed! I repeat mission closed!! let’s go home”.
When in the cab, she broke down and cried. I was moved with emotions. I didn’t know what to say to her so I just watched as she cried
She headed straight into her room and did what she knows how to do best, pray! “oh Lord, I don’t have the power to fight this woman because I am not ready to die but as she wants to take my husband from me, Lord! Lord! Squeeze her, pound her. Ha! Daddy!” She burst into tears
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Later that evening, my father came home with the same lady. You need to see the look on my mom’s face. It was a look of fear and anger. Fear after her last experience with lady, anger because my dad had the guts to bring his concubine to the house.
She would have strangled both of them if she had the opportunity.
“My father tried to introduce her but my mum interrupted and said, “I know her, please make yourself comfortable, what will you like to drink Mrs. Sambo?”
“Any drink is fine.” My mum smiled, went to the bar and poured a for her
My father introduced me to her, we exchanged pleasantries and I left.
Moments later, I heard screams from the living room and I rushed out of my room.
Mrs. sambo was seriously farting and holding her stomach. “what did you put in my drink? Please can I use the toilet?
“What do you mean by that, why will I put anything in your drink, you can’t come to my house and insult me because I am hospitable. Besides, you can’t use the toilet. My son is there and i i misplaced the key to the visitor’s toilet”
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At this point, I knew mum was lying and this was her handwork because my brother is not in the house.
“Can you do shot put?” my mom asked
My father felt so embarrassed.
“What is shot put?” Mrs. Sambo asked after releasing another round of fart
” ha! awon ajebutter. You will do your business in nylon and then throw it inside the bush but another thing is that there is no bush here for you to go o. papa Ife what are we going to do?”
before we could say “Jack Robinson”, everything came gushing out of her. She was so embarrassed.
At this point, my mom began to laugh “after what you did to me, you have the audacity, tenacity, the impetus to date my husband”
Whenever my mum starts speaking big-big English, then just know you have gotten to her last nerve.
My father tried to say something but she did not allow him
“As for you papa Ife, you will go to hell o, your judgment will even start from earth by me. Ha! What haven’t I done for you, I stayed with you when you had nothing, in our one-room apartment, I gave you beautiful children, Ife and Ayo, every night I turn my legs in diverse shapes, you will say up! down! touch your toes and I will do everything just to please you yet you have the guts to cheat on me with this unripe rotten pawpaw and you brought her to my home knowing fully well what she did, ha! ha! Papa Ife I can see them writing your name in hell. I videoed how you messed yourself up and I will send it to the internet”
Then my father yelled “enough! emi! Cheat on you, why will you say that?”
It’s very unusual to see my dad yell
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My mum replied,” don’t just deny it, lately, you have been going out, wearing new trousers and tops with perfume looking like fresh agege bread, the last time you used perfume was on our wedding day so I suspected then we followed you today and we saw you.”
“This woman just implicated me, how will this man give me the money I asked from him now, but that is not the problem now, this woman’s waste is seriously smelling what did she eat for Christ sake. ”
My father said mama Ife, Mrs. Regina Sambo is my cousin, that day her men was punishing you, I went to pack my car, I recognized her but I wasn’t certain but I went to meet her, then we started talking and we went down memory lane, she is the daughter of my father’s only sister, she relocated to abroad when she was six years old, then we lost contact. When I told her you were my wife, she felt bad about what she did so she bought you a two storey building to use as your warehouse for your business and your own car just to apologize to you, and for God sake I saw your pathetic act at the tropicals.”
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My mother screamed “Jesu! She went down on her knees, ha! emabinu, I did not know, I am so sorry, it was the devil, beeni, I thought wrong, ha! I have done it again, that is how the devil want to pursue my helper, I am so sorry” she took her to her toilet, she washed herself, then my mum gave her clothes to put on.
My mum apologized for her actions again, she forgave her and also apologized too, then gave her the key to her new warehouse and car, she was so happy, they exchanged contact then she left.
My father on the hand was still angry, then she said “papa Ife, it was Ife’s idea”
I was shocked. “how? But…”
she interrupted “I told her I know my husband, my oloworimi cannot hurt me but you know you don’t use perfume so it was the perfume that confused me, I am sorry, please forgive me, eni bi okan mi! Ebun Oluwa! I did yoga this morning o, I will make it up to you, I can’t loose you to anyone, you know we have come a long way, ema binu, oya come”
my father followed her, I am still standing here shocked, this woman is mysterious, I am definitely not getting that money again.
See you next week