My Mum My Muse – Part 5

My Mum My Muse!

Holla!! So last week was a busy week and couldn’t continue the story. Now I’m back with another drama with my mama. You fee the rhyme? “Drama with my mama”. LOL If you haven’t read the last episode, you can do so HERE before you proceed with this.

You can also read old episodes HERE

My mum and dad have been hitting it up pretty well, things seem to be going smoothly as car and warehouse have turned her into a pretty romantic wife.

This woman stopped calling him papa Ife and now calls him Ayo mi (my joy)

I need to state that Whenever my mum calls my dad “Ayo mi”, she probably wanted something.

Now things are really different.

But I Sha don’t trust her.

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This their second honeymoon has kept me on room arrest apart from seeing them cutting eyes for each other, my mum started putting on bum short and tan tops, they just derive joy in making my life a living hell but I am so thirsty and I have to drink water so I have no choice but to come out.

Immediately I sneaked out, I saw them cuddling themselves.

oh God! what a sight!

So I quickly greeted, they did not respond, I was even happy they don’t have my time

As I was heading to my room, the lioness herself started ” Ife how are you?”

I responded, fine ma.

Then she started, “Ife I have been thinking”

In my mind, I said (don’t think, whenever you think you get me into trouble)

“It’s been two years after your service and you have no job, just staying at home, eating my food and getting shapeless like an amoeba, work you don’t want to have, husband is a taboo in your life, kilosele gan gan?”

Then I answered “Maami but I am working na, I am an actress”

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she quickly interrupted, “Mercy Johnson in your dreams abi?”

“No na , I go for auditions and I have even acted two movies”

She looked at my father and they both burst into laughter, “Ife is it the one you were carrying bread on your head?”

I replied ” mammi that’s how jumoke blow o, the bread seller model; besides that is an important role”

my mother quickly flared up, “shut up jare. I cast and bind this senselessness from you, at least jumoke is tall and fine but you that look like your father’s people, how on earth do you think the same thing can happen to you?

“what do you mean by father’s people, you better be careful,” My father said and left.

My mother started blaming me oo ” you see what you have caused now, if you were not this ugly all this thing will not happen”

She blames me for everything bad thing that happens.

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Before I knew it she said “Infact we will start forty days fasting and praying for you, maybe God can help you because it is only him that can help your critical situation, better start singing All to Jesus I surrender”

then she left calling her husband “Oko  mi why are you angry because I am saying the truth”

She proceeded to leave but returned and said “let me just tell you if you think you and your brother will put me to shame then you lie”

“but mummy!”

“Don’t mummy me, you better go and get yourself a job, for Christ sake you studied computer engineering, get yourself a job or a man. That is how Ayo that studied Electrical engineering said his calling is DJ. Ha! I have suffered, this is definitely coming from your father’s village people. As if you looking like them is not bad enough. Thank God he saved Ayo by making him look like me”

Not today. I just left her there

Two days later, it was announced that coronavirus has entered Nigeria, and we should always wash our hands, sanitize and wear a face mask when going out, as soon as she heard it from the news, she quickly dashed into her room and picked her holy water and started sprinkling and sanitizing us

Then my brother said “mummy kilode, they said hand sanitizer, they did not say holy water”

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“Shut up my friend. what do you know? You are a small boy. You did not see the shape of the sickness ni, if that sharp thing shook you ehen, ogbeni is straight die and you know your sin is wearing agbada so you are heading straight to hellfire. Instead of you to be thanking and showering me with praises like ” sweet mum, best mum, you are saying rubbish, better bring your big head”.

“come on maami, you know you’re the G.O.A.T

hmmm, the next thing was a thunderous slap that almost turned him to an imbecile.

“emi! mama Ife goat” before my brother will recover to tell her, the meaning she has already started talking and talking how we hate and disrespect her

To avoid her trouble, I jejely just got baptized by her holy water in the name of sanitizing before I will receive my own slap that will blind my left eye.

I have a dating app on my phone that I’ve not used since I downloaded it

So I got a date notification from this cute, tall, fair, and guy that works with a multinational.

I wore a very sexy red three-quater gown, wore my makeup and hills.

As I stepped into the palour

My mum was in the parlor then she asked “Ife this one you are looking like fine pancake today, where are you going”

I smiled and said ” I am going for a date”

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“With the holy spirit abi? don’t worry he will comfort you sha. Just be careful and bring shawarma and ice cream when coming o”

in my mind, I told myself that I was going to shut her up when she sees the guy I am going out with.

When I got to the restaurant, “call my name by stylplus was emitting from the hidden speakers.

I placed a call immediately to this dude and a guy sitting close to the barman picked up his phone

“That must be him” I whispered to myself

I proceeded to take my seat beside him

He is so damn fine

“Hey cutie, it’s me Ife”

As I smiled, he dropped his phone. I held his hands and stare at him sexually.

Before I could say Jack Robinson,  A huge lady with muscles like that of a man appeared beside me

” who the fuck are you?” she said

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I must have been carried away by the prince charming that I didn’t notice when she got here

“manly woman I should be asking you that, please runoff.”

She got so angry that the muscles on her arms are literally screaming of strategies to give me a straight ticket to meet my ancestors, then she

” I swear to God if you don’t leave my man now, I will rip you from limbs to limbs”

immediately, my supposed date said “babe calm down, that is how this desperate Lagos girls act, please whatever and whoever you are, if you know what is good for you better evaporate from here before you will hear your own burial song, leave my fiance’s sit now”

Lord God! I was so embarrassed so I stood up and sat down somewhere else. I ordered a red wine to at least cover my shame. Hmm, before I knew it I saw a round, short man with a very big potbelly in front of me smiling, I looked at him from head to toe, this man wore polo then tucked it in with a native trouser with his shoe looking like a flying boat. After being confused for a few seconds, I summoned the courage to ask

“Who you be Oga? You miss road?”

He smiled, sat down comfortably before me, and said ” baby I am your date, ha! ndi Soo hot.”

Ha! Mogbe, the devil is a liar, who did I offend.

Immediately he ordered Akpu and oha soup with legend, in my mind I am asking myself what is with men and legend.

He drew my attention back to him with the loud way he is chewing his food, then he said

“baby won’t you eat? What is that your name again?”


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“You are a fine girl o, don’t worry when my container will arrive ehen I will spoil you because ndi too fine chai”

He licked the soup dripping on his elbow

Someone should please shoot me, ha! this is a nightmare

“please whose picture did you use on your profile?” I asked

He laughed so loudly banging the table “my dear, I don’t know him o, I think he is a model in obodo oyibo, I like the picture so I used it”

Then I said I am done, I quietly stood up, thank God I had money, so I paid the waiter for my drink and left

he was just shouting “omalicha, wait na, oyoyo mo! wait for me”

I did not turn back, because unlike lot’s wife, I won’t turn to salt but charcoal so I looked front and quickly walked out, trying to order my Uber

He followed behind me yelling “omalicha why did you leave like that, my car has broken down so I came with my friend’s okada, n’gwanu hop in let me drop you”

I said hell no!  and left

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My phone went off as I was about to order a ride.

To add salt on top of injury, it then began to rain. No bike, no cab

I trekked my life ehn.

Finally, I saw a Keke that carried me for an absurd price, the Keke’s roof was licking so the rain was still dealing with me.

As soon as I entered the parlor,  My mom and my dad were there cuddling

The sight of them cuddling just got me enraged.

I greeted them and left, I did not even wait for them to say anything.

My mum was just shouting “how was the date omo mi”

I did not even answer her. immediately I got inside I logged out of that evil app and deleted it from my system. Yikes!

I woke up with a slight headache and noticed my mum on my bed with a cup of tea. For a moment, I thought I was dreaming

She handed me a cup of hot tea.

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Hmm! I said to myself this one she is giving me tea, Lord I commit my soul in your hands.

“Ife mi, you did not eat last night when you got home, you were drenched and you did not bring my Ice cream and shawarma”.

“Thank you ma”

This woman is obviously looking for gist and I don’t have her power,

“So what happened? how was your date?”

” Maami I don’t want to talk about it”

immediately she flared up ” ha! Lai Lai, after you open that your mouth and drank my tea, you won’t say anything? something is doing you, do you know I’m your mother, I carried you for nine months in this stomach so start talking o”.

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I know she won’t leave me till I tell her so I narrated my ordeal to her, she laughed my spirit, body, and soul

After laughing, she asked me to go and shower that I am going to the shop with her, I cannot even say no because I have already drank her tea so I showered and followed her to the shop.

When we got to the shop she said “my dear, I am sorry you went through that yesterday but truth be told, you went out with that man because of his physical features and possibly you have calculated he has a car and probably a house abi?”

She was right but I won’t admit because I am talking to mama Ife so she continued ” Ife mi, see all that glitter is not gold o rara! it is better to grow with a man than just jumping into his wealth, if you are lucky to see a wealthy man that loves you, trust me my aso oke will blind my enemies eyes, my gele will be divided into four square,ha! gele mi ga ju ti elo, I will boggy down but that should not be your priority, see ehen, when i met your father, he was like a toothpick with giraffe’s neck, one trouser and two shirts that were bigger than him, he was not my class o, emi! Stainless baby because then ehen I was very hot, but after I went close to him I realized he is an emboritent of wisdom..”

I quickly said mummy “it is embodiment”

She kissed her teeth “motigbo, I too sabi, as I was saying jare he is also very smart, I knew his future is bright, all he needed was the opportunity and I also wanted to be in that future. Plenty rich men came after me but I followed your father, it was not easy, Ife we suffered. We bailed water, soaked garri for breakfast and dinner, even thrown out of our house because of house rent but God came through, the opportunity came, now he is looking like bread that they poured excess yeast, that is why he will always be my sugar, so change your orientation but that does not mean you should bring anyhow person, you know me na, you know what I can do, I will pour him hot oil”

I smiled and said ok.

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She was not done, then she said, “I know it is your dream to be an actress, but you can’t depend on that and stay idle, devil will play pangolo with your mind and you know these things take long so what if I loan you five hundred thousand to start any business of your choice, so you won’t depend on your suffer-head house girl acting because I don’t want you to depend on any man in this life Lai! Lai! “.

I was so happy, I agreed and hugged her, I never knew my mum can be this calm, she wrote me a check and in the next few weeks I got a very big shop where I sell weavons, shoes, jewelleries and bags.

Few weeks later, I came back from the shop and saw my mum holding her waist in pain and walking slowly to the parlor

I was curious “maami what happened?

“She was so angry then she said” is it not that your father, we were in our room, then he said he wants to try something new that I should bend like a dog, emi! Mama Ife!  dog.

I wondered what kind of dog style is this one, so I did o, hmmm Ife! Ife! My waist have scatter, I was even hitting my head on the wood bed

I was trying to contain my laugh when my father shouted “sugar! Olori mi!”

She answered and said ” who is your sugar, fi mi le o, in fact, I am bitterleaf. if you don’t want God to bend and scatter you and your embodiment, abi Omo mi, I nodded, better don’t call me, haa! You want to do my waist yamayama, today is dog style, tomorrow will be chicken or snake style. Papa Ife! Papa Ife! Leave me, I want to go to the mountain now, see I am already climbing.

Then I decided to help so I said “mammi show me the position “.

She did then I said “Maami this is monkey style not doggy, why will you hunch your back like that na? This is how it is done”.

I showed her before I will say jack I received a deadly slap, I was still very confused then she said ” so that is how you use to do dog style for them abi, how do you know this style Ife? So you are not a virgin?”

It is help I want to help o. It is two hours now and I am still explaining myself, Today I will definitely go down like Sodom and Gomorrah, motor has finally jam my egunegun.

The End.

See you next week


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