My mum! My muse!
I have always heard it on television, watched it on movies, and read about it on social media but never imagined witnessing it with my two eyes.
This is no film trick or edited script, egungun has finally reached express as my cousin announced that she is a lesbian, as in she is attracted to ladies.
Her mother is drowning in her tears shouting “Egbami! Egbami!! (help me! help me!)” While my mother is casting and binding.
Our Family get-together is always interesting but this particular one is epic. Every time my mom sees me with my male friends, she will embarrass me and compare me with aunty Rose, “she is a very disciplined child, you will never see her with any boy”, Now it has finally happened. Hanty rose is a Lesbian
Although, she has always been like a second mother to me, buying me gifts and fighting anyone that dares to bully me. Hmm, she is definitely the male role in her love relationship.
This is a very serious matter, I can’t help but feel they are all overreacting. My father is pacing from one end to the other, my mum is literally bathing her with holy water, moving her head up and down casting out the spirit of lesbianism, she will definitely have to drink Panadol extra after my mum is done with her.
Now, my mum did not stop there, she informed our pastor. She calls “Daddy”.
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He calls that man at the slightest provocation, in fact, she carries the man for head like “Oshuka“. I am not exaggerating, if we have malaria, she calls him, if we are going for examination or interview, she will say “I have called daddy so you can collect anointing and tap from his holy spirit’ and when she has a bad dream, that is the end.
In fact, even the last meat in the pot of soup, she will give it to him while the rest of us will eat ordinary soup and when we are done, we all go and tell him “Thank you daddy”, she is just on another level in this man’s matter.
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After her announcement and the wailing and binding was over, everywhere was quiet, silence visited us then my brother in his own wisdom decided that he wants to change the atmosphere and make everyone cheer up. He stood up and started singing lucky Dube “one love”, my mother did not even allow him enter the second line of the song, she almost stoned him with her bible. She chased him out of the room with holy water and her shoe, I gave a quick laugh because it was really very funny.
My father asked her since when did she know she is a lesbian? Aunty rose answered since she was in secondary school.
She attended only girls boarding school. When she was there, her seniors took interest in her and when she became a senior she did likewise. When she got to the university ( University of Abuja) she continued her affair and now, she wants to get married to her girlfriend Tiffany in America where it is legal.
Aunty Rose is a surgeon and she resides in Abuja but comes home often, so money is not the problem and her girlfriend is also a doctor but a pediatrician.
Then my father asked, “so you have never slept with any man in your life?”
My mother was giving him that unrighteous question look, then she answered: “just once”.
My mother jumped up and shouted “fornication! fornication, lesbianism plus fornication, Rose your room is already arranged in hell, with your name boldly written in capital letter, ah I am sorry for you, so somebody has shook you there, he has entered that holy abode that belongs to your husband.”
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My father reprimanded her and told her to hold herself, I was just laughing in my heart, in my mind, I was saying they should just go and look for a guy that is good in bed and also very romantic so he can divide the red sea like Moses rod so all the Egyptians will drown, then she will be refined but I dare not open my mouth if not I will join that Egyptians, I won’t drown, I will be strangled, so let me just watch the drama.
Two hours later, our pastor arrived. Aunty Rose hates him with so much passion.
My mother didn’t even wait for him to land before downloading all the stories to him. she did not even pause or filter anything. And when she was done, he stood up abruptly as if nail pierced his bumbum (buttocks).
He stared into her eyes and shook his head, before we could say “Jack Robinson”, he started speaking in tongues and my mum was already lying on the ground shouting “release daddy! release daddy!”
I wanted to die of laughter, in my mind I am saying pastor don’t release o, when you get home then you can release. Aunty Rose was already raging with anger, she stood up and drove off.
I don’t blame her. I would do the same if I was in her shoes.
When they finished their drama they realized she has left, my mum was now blaming me, that I should have stopped her, Egbami! I told her I was in the spirit and was waiting for daddy to release, she knew I was being sarcastic so she eyed me and asked the pastor what next? He said he will go to the mountain to rebuke every stronghold of lesbianism implanted in her.
“Implanted ke?” I said, my father, pinched me then he told us to embark on dry fasting and praying for seven days, you need to see the look on my father’s face, somebody that likes food so much, he wanted to cry, my mother was just saying no problem, we will start tomorrow.
As if the drama was not enough, on Sunday, we all dressed and went to church, the first person I met when I entered the church was sister Mary.
God forgive me but I hate this woman with every fiber of my muscles. She’s always having issues with me, it is either today my skirt is too tight, or tomorrow my earring is too big, or my gown is too short and when my mother is there she will now overdo it and the only thing my mum will say is “you know children of nowadays, please put her in your prayers” and she is not even the pastor’s wife o.
When she saw me, she just approached me and started her normal condemnation but I was engrossed with her outfit, this woman wore long sleeve brown turtle neck top, tucked in on a big black long skirt, with a brown shoulder-padded coat, black hat, and black shoe, and this woman wants me to take fashion queue from her, chai! I have suffered. Immediately she finished, I thanked her and walked away, I did not even hear anything she said.
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I went to sit down with my mother, she was already putting down a prayer request on her paper on behalf of Aunty Rose. I tapped her and told her it was time for preaching and her daddy is already on the pulpit, she immediately dropped her pen and said, “the holy spirit is about to rain on us, get ready to get a new sensation from the word of God.”
I nodded my head and said “okay”, in my mind, I said time to sleep and I cannot chat this woman will finish me.
So he started by greeting us, as the drums and piano rolled in celebration of his presence. Then he said today’s topic is “cheerful giving”. He asked the young me in charge of the projector to project the topic on the screen so everyone will follow but for some reason, the church laptop decided no to function.
They tried and tried but it did not come up, then he said
“Satan is a liar”
My mother shouted “Amen! he is a liar,”
I just shake my head and asked myself why I sat beside her today. He told the youth to pick his personal laptop, and project the topic, he said his password out loud “Jesus is Lord” everybody applauded him.
Unfortunately for him, he saved two folders with the same name, the difference was one was with all caps with a hyphen while the other doesn’t have a hyphen.
He told the youth to go to the folder saved with Rotimi, that is his name, by the way, then he shouted brothers project.
The young man opened the wrong folder and clicked on the first video
and there was “Daddy” twerking to Bop daddy on his boxer, with beer on his hand, and sister Mary, the exact one, the holy one, was on red lingerie twerking with him.
The whole church has scattered, my mother is still shouting “blood of Jesus! blood of Jesus!” I have laughed and laughed my lungs out, I told her to calm down, the veins on her forehead and neck will still pop out, your “Daddy” is cheerfully giving us some twerking moves, can’t you see sister Mary is receiving it with her holy outfit, he is releasing some spiritual moves and it is very sensational.
She removed one leg of her shoe and hit me as if it was my fault.
Pastor wife don faint, I cannot join them to settle this matter o so I don go house, let me go and gist Aunty Rose sharp-sharp.
I will be back next week with another story. Chao Chao
Bop daddy! Bop! Bop.
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